vent on depression

Yes, I am depressed. Who wouldn't be? Recovery is more painful than the cancer. I am sicker now, more depressed now, weaker now and I get light headed every time I stoop/bend over and stand back up. Even sometimes when I just stand up from sitting. May be a blood pressure dropping thing. Also, my tailbone feels like it is pulling out of my body every time I stand up. Doctors cant figure out why after several tests. The dry mouth is getting much worse my mouth and throat dry up to the point I choke and gag from dryness if I don't sip water all the time. A new problem has arisen with swallowing, as soon as I swallow the liquid, it shoots out of my nose. Been going on a couple weeks now - I see the Dr next week. Saw a shrink a couple weeks ago and got even more antidepressants and anxiety pills. I told him yes, I think about killing myself sometimes but I don't think I would act on it. It is a very common thought for anyone in my situation. Besides the medical stuff, there is the financial. I cant pay all my bills on Social Security alone - my Cobra Insurance takes a great big chunk right away and I am having to pay the IRS and State because my former employer did not take enough out for my taxes. I am selling off all of my magic items that I have collected over the years and anything else I can sell just to pay bills. Donations on the site have pretty much dried up. A couple family members and 1 or 2 of their friends send a donation once in a while. I'm hoping my blog gets a following and I drum up some donations. Please leave comments for topic ideas. I want to write about the day to day reality of cancer and remission but I don't want it to be just that. I want better humor than just talking about my bouts with incontinence since all of this happened. I don't even care when I crap a little in my pants anymore - its so often. I don't leave the house without my backpack and I keep a pair of boxers and sweats in it just in case (along with some wet wipes). I know it's funny but it's not. Anyway, repost on facebook and retweet my site, wish me well and donate on my homepage if you can. No donation is too small, I pay most Dr's I owe $5.00 a month - a $20.00 donation pays 4 Dr's for me. Thanks for all of your support.