Had a PETSCAN done last week because my lymph nodes are swollen for no apperant reason. It came back with sketchy positive results for cancer. But this time on the right side lymph nodes instead of the left. This showed up on my original PETSCAN but they thought of it as a false positive because this type of cancer typically stays on one side. On my last PETSCAN this did not show up at all. I now have some noticible swelling in my neck so thet sent me last week and the results show positive on the right side. I need to have a biopsy done but because my neck is so "thick and muscular" According to the Dr, I have to have a catscan assisted biopsy so they can hit one of the nodes that is lit up on the petscan showing cancer. Let the games begin------Again.
.
Went to a trade show for magic on Saturday, was gone all day, took my power chair so I wouldn't use up all my energy and did have a great time. started getting tired and sore near the end and after finally making it home (the drive was a disaster, I forgot where I was and forgot where I was going. At one point I was doing enough over the speed limit that even I got scared) but as I said, I finally made it home and flopped straight down on the bed. Oh, the muscles started to twist then the all over pain set in. slept in short spurts but not very long just a whole bunch of them. Kept waking up to very surreal dreams (this has been happening a lot lately along with some mild halucinations while awake) mostly I hear things that cant be explained and I see weird things out of the corner of my eyes and when i look they are gone - sometimes I see the same thing again as soon as I look back at the tv again. Trippy like a Hippy Maaaan. I see a shrink in the morning tomorrow so maybe I can get some meds changed around if that may be the cause, but I don't think it has to do with my meds cause I've been on them a long time with no problems. Maybe the voices in my head are hanging out with the monster in the basement and little gremlins and garden gnomes are messing with me. Anyhow, after my driving experience on Saturday I decided I wont be going anywhere alone for a while except to the Dr and back maybe. 17 years on the road as a trucker, I don't scare easy - but that shit scared me. I was glad to get out for a bit and take my mind off waiting for the petscan results to see if my cancer is back in my lymph nodes. they were pretty swollen last week and there was no reason for it so the Doc sent me for a scan. I hate not knowing almost as much as I hate knowing that I am going to get Prostate Cancer in a couple years since my father and his father both had it. I have been getting my PSA done for a few years so I can stay up on it and catch it sooner. Oh well enough for this weeks episode of blogger that only gets read by relati
The other morning I got up and took all my morning meds which is quite a cocktail of narcotics. A couple hours later my wife was going to the Drs office and the store. so I decided to ride along. I hurried and got dressed and took another full dose of all my morning meds. ooops. By the time we got to the dr and I got checked out the advice was to take nothing else in the way of meds and do not let me go to sleep under any circomstances till later in the eve. needless to say, it was a hard day to get through. I was high as a kite and tired as hell but I managed to make v
I saw a great episode of CSI Miami where at the end Marecell (dont know if thats spelled right) tells H "About this cancer, I have spent so long trying not to die - I forgot how to live" I am paraphrasing but I'm pretty sure that was the gist of it. Made me think of my situation and how similar I feel. I spend my time worrying, depressed, sitting alone and going deeper into whatever psychosis I seem to be drifting into. I dont have any friends to hang out with in real life, some online people who check on me now and again ( and I do appriciate knowing someone out there cares since I dont so often) I have a very small family and none of us really live that close to "hang out" but I do have support from them. (again appriciated). I am joining the YMCA in Wheeling WV which is 10 miles or so from my house in leu of expensive physical theropy and hope to meet someone there who may share some of my interests. I havent had a "non Trucking" friend in many years and really am the kind of person who gets along with a crowd of total strangers than 1 or 2 people I may know. Unforunately, other than the Y that I will soon be joining, I dont get out at all. never have the cash to really go anywhere or the gas if I did. Most of the time Im too depressed to do anything so I just sleep my life away. I can go 20 hours a day for days just sleeping then at other times I am up for 36 - 48 hours rocking back and forth and fidgetting for something to do. I really like to practice my magic whether it be watching videos, reading books or online on a magic message board I belong to. My pashon is close up magic. I am good with cards, coins, ropes sponge balls and other things that can be done in close quarters with only a couple or even a small group at a time. Right now it is the only thing keeping me going. a lot of the moves and slights right now are hindered by my medications slowing me down and I sometimes forget what I was doing right in the middle of a trick. there is a free clinic near me that has recently reached out to me for some free mental health care and I am pretty sure I am going to take them up on it. So, If you dont hear from me in a while, dont worry, they probably wont let me have a laptop in happy camp (if thats where I end up). Peace all, and dont forge
RSS Feed