I am getting worse as each day goes by as far as feeling/becoming weaker. I can hardly walk without 2 canes and still bouncing off the walls like a giant pinball, This is when I can muster up the energy to even get out of bed. I am freezing all the time even with 2 comforters. I am as lost as the Dr's as to why this is going so bad as far as recovery. I am no where near where I should be and have my days I want to give up, I just lose my will to go on that friggen easy. need to see the shrink soon anyway since my depression pills are running out. Hopefully I can afford to join the Y next month and sta

Ended up in the ER 2 nights in a row last week with a temp of 102 - 104 and sent home both times with the standard "Its a virus thats going around" " nothing we can give you for it" Needless to say it has been a miserable couple of days. mostly dosed up and 800mg ibuprofin added to the mix to break the temp. Lots of sweating and chills but I think I am over the hump. just slept for a full 36+ hours with a couple short wakings for pills drinks and potty break. I guess I needed it. hope everyone else is doing well and I hope you dont get 

Started out losing my Grandfather who lived every day to the fullest for 91 years, we could all only hope to be that lucky, he was a great man. as a combat engineer in WW2 he drove a dozer and reminded me all the time He PAVED the roads for the infantry to march in on. It is a bittersweet loss and he will be deeply missed. 

On top of that I am so friggin sick I had to go to the ER (which was a waste of time and money) just to be told I have Brobchitus and a virus that is "going around". Funny how the symptoms are the same I've had for months but I guess they just didnt want to admit me. I fell 17 times this weekend and am in massive all over pain (not from the falls) and even though I told them at the ER my pian level was a 7-8 THEY GAVE ME NOTHING. Finally after 3+ hours of checking for flu or strep they were gong to give me a percocet which bis what i take every day and isnt really helping right now, but I said ok (because at least it was something and i had tears in my eyes from the pain I was in) SOOOO they came back in and informed me since i drove myself there, they were not giving me anything. at that point in some very non politically correct term that would have made O&A proud, I proceded to tell them how stupid they were for not giving me something when I got there which would have worn down by now.

I lost my Grandfather over the weekend. He went quietly, painlessly and quickly, which was a blessing. He lived to be well over 90 and was independent and lived at home by himself after losing Grandma years ago, till the end. HE went to the hospital for some pretty routine stuff and went into CHF while there. He was then transferred to a Hospice facility to keep him comfortable and surrounded by family members until he passed. It was not something we didn't know was coming, he was over 90, but it is hard to see someone who was so independent go. He will be sadly missed. As I struggle with depression as it is, this doesn't worsen my depression as much as you would think. I look at it as he is taking the next step in the journey we call life. If there is a heaven and a hell, he is in heaven with my grandmother and my aunt (who was taken way too early) but they will all be together again. There will be a viewing on Tuesday and we will bury him the next day. My brain and body just feel numb right now from the added sadness and my medications I take already. Plus, I had to start some sinus meds which are messin

Truth in advertising at its finest. I am getting more and more depressed every day and dont know why. I feel useless for starters and just another check mark on my poor wifes to-do list... Take care of lump on futon... I want to help with little things but lack the ability lately to stay awake for more than a couple hours at a time and then I feel cold, tired, queasy, and generally down in dumps. Useless. I don't even want to persue things I love anymore, such as magic, tv watching, podcasts... I just want the world to go away and leave me alone o die in my sleep. I AM NOT SAYING I AM SUICIDAL, I am just feeling no reason to force me to fight to go on. I am a grown man who falls down like a drunk teenager, wears a diaper to bed, carries a backpack like a purse cause of all the stuff I cant be without in public like meds, change of clothes, something to pass time when I must sit for a length of time, full water bottles to sip when my throat gets dry since I make no saliva due to radiation. I found a better backpack that fits my needs but it is $70+ at walmart or BestBuy. In the past I would have worked some overtime to afford it but there are no other options on dissability. you get what you get and its gone in 2 days paying bills. Thankfully, I have the internet and cable. I would be lost without it. I gave my cell phone to my wife so she has one at work and for the long ride to and from in case or a breakdown or accident. So now I have it sometimes during the week and she has it all weekend. I do have Imessage on the ipad so I can message people with iphones or ipads and I have the everpopular home phone. I had to cancel my last appt with the shrink due to my having the flu but am afraid to rescedule right now cause he way Im feeling might lead to an inpatient stay that I dont want. Anyway, thanks to all that are still donating, and those who aren't, no donation is too small, they all help and are badly needed.even a $10 refills one of my many meds for a whole month. $25 lets me go to the Dr and not worry that I cant go due to not having my copay due at time of service. Thanks for taking the time to read this, sometimes I just gotta rant and know someone is listening. Please comment and let me know you are out there. (besides the relatives who I know read it).

tonight I test drive my big boy pull ups..... Yeeaaaaaa!!!!!!!!